Here is a list of lists. They are short lists because… duh, you need help narrowing shit down… that’s why you’re here.
THREE GREAT TERRIBLE MOVIES
(Plus Some Other Ones That Are Cool Too)
Troll 2 (1990)
Rotten Tomatoes: 6% (so you know it’s good)
Directed by: an Italian dude who is severely lost in translation
Take a fat rip of that bong, grab yourself some popcorn and a quart of milk, sit back, and prepare yourself for an adventure of a lifetime to the “wonderful half-empty town” of Nilbog. This film, features not one, not two, but ZERO trolls, AND has absolutely no affiliation with the original Troll. It is, however, rife with anti-vegetarian propaganda, some surprisingly feminist ideals, uncanny dialogue, inappropriate facial expressions, and plenty of green goo. Ready yourself for Grandpa Seth’s floating head, a Goblin mom, so extra that she’s fit to play a witch in your high school theater club’s production of Macbeth, and a three minute long ‘drag the tree-boy out by his pot’ scene that is sure to make you chuckle with delight. Pick up a dub, hit up all of your closest ‘I’m a vegan and am aggressively proud of it’ buddies, and turn your hangover Sunday into a movie night that you will truly never forget.
The Room (2003)
Rotten Tomatoes: 26% (but 77% of ‘Google Users’ liked this movie)
Directed by: Sir Tommy Wiseau of Louisiana/Romania
This is an obvious one, thanks to The Disaster Artist (not knocking it, just firmly establishing myself as a cooler than thou under-grounder). And as much as it pains my inner hipster to say this, it really is as good as they say it is… it’s *sob* popular for a reason. You’re gonna laugh the whole damn time. You’re gonna gawk at the absurdity, you’re gonna piss in your loom fruits a little bit, and those ‘this is funny as fuck’ tears are gonna come right out of your eye holes… starting immediately. All within the first 27 minutes of this extraordinary movie, you will see, nay experience: three sex scenes, each at least three minutes long, and two of them containing the exact same hauntingly ‘intimate’ footage, an almost threesome between a fifty year old man, thirty year old woman, and a boy/dude/guy who could be fifteen or twenty five (who’s to say), as well as some truly unique dialogue, and multiple significant plot lines that are never brought up again. Do yourself a favor and watch just this thing. It is, however, absolutely necessary that you watch it in a vacuum of judgement. You need to be able to ugly face laugh, so either do it with a friend of lower hotness or social status that will always be less cool than you, no matter what (kidding, obviously… I’m not a sociopath), or by yourself when your roommate’s out of town, you’re bored and you’ve jacked off seven too many times. Either way, just enjoy the shit outta this movie… I wish every day that I could watch The Room for the first time again. Thank Aliens that weed destroys my memory enough for this to almost be true.
Hellraiser (1987)
Rotten Tomatoes: 68%
Directed by: one sick pup
Although the cornstarch blood and rubber cement skin make for a squeamishly entertaining visual delight, it’s the sincerely twisted interfamily relationships that make Hellraiser one of those ‘car wreck that you shouldn’t look at, but do anyways’ types of movies. You’ve got the classic ‘father adult daughter kiss on the lips’ type of situation, the step mom obsessed with her undead brother in law, and the good ole predatory uncle… all happening under the same roof, which also happens to house a corpse growing inside out from the floorboards in the attic. If you’re feeling frisky (and have an empty stomach), delve deep into this world of ‘Brother Frank’, catch up with my good friend PinHead and the other Cenobytes, and take a good look at the spinning column of dead things. Feeling friskier? Put on your psychoanalytic thinking cap and discover the fucked up childhood Clive Barker must have had in order for him to birth this perverse, yet utterly entertaining, brainchild.
THE CYNICAL CRITIC 