So, you’re an avid movie fan because, well quite frankly, on-screen entertainment is the only escape from the Orwellian nightmare we currently reside in. Well whoopee for you, you are not alone in this void of existence! But if you are anything like me, (which, let’s face it, you probably are because none of us are special, we are all just cogs in the machine) then the average movie-going experience just doesn’t sate your voracious mind anymore.

Remember in high school, when your teacher would make you read pieces of “classic literature” (which you most likely didn’t actually do), and then ask you to analyze all of the little details? You would sit in your ‘too small for a growing boy’ desks and have to explain why Holden Caulfield’s red hunting cap in “The Catcher in the Rye” represents his attraction to oddities (i.e. his hipsterness) and how that applies to the human condition. This technique, colloquially referred to bullshitting, is actually the reason why movies are so fucking cool. Because if you start thinking like your tenth grade English teacher, with all the angst and phoniness, then suddenly you get a whole lot more from a movie. In addition to this whole new world that you are about to expose yourself to, you also acquire a handy new ability to sound like a pretentious prick who knows too damn much for their own good. People may hate you, but at least you are one step closer to recognizing and shirking the mind control of the media.

Let’s stay on the topic of android consciousness (yes, I am referring to you and I), and take for example, a scene in Ex Machina. The sexy and scantily clad Kyoto starts dancing, at the whim of Nathan, to the 80’s fave “Get Down it’s Saturday Night”. The lighting is a stark red with blue flashes that dance along with Nathan and his babe of a robot. Damn this scene is just ripe for the bullshit pickin’. So… think overarching theme of the movie… technology is scary as fuck and probably the biggest threat to the human race (shout out to my main man Elon Musk). So the colors are probably the easiest to pick up on because of the harshness of the red. Red = temptation… And after sight comes sound. This bumpin’ 1983 hit was popular in a time of cocaine, nylon, and hedonism… sounds pretty damn, tempting, eh? Now let’s circle back to theme and bam! Now you can spew out some fancy shit like, “Ex Machina is a harrowing warning against the temptations of technology, as clearly evidenced by the lighting and soundtrack in the famed dancing scene.” Pompous enough for you? If not, keep going… bring in that gender good-good on top of all of this and wham, this movie is starting to shit on traditionally accepted society!

So for those of you whose attention spans haven’t yet shrunk to the size of peas, and are still reading this non-meme/tweet length bit of information, congratulations, you might not be a flesh puppet! In addition, you may have acquired the skills you need to look at films in a non-zombie like fashion. Just always remember… the people making the movies do everything on purpose. You’re not reading into it too much, no matter how small it is because every single thing you see on screen was placed there by assholes, like me, who either want to create fun little easter eggs of knowledge or want to control your mind subliminally. And for those (sheep) who read the first paragraph and scrolled down in search of bullet points and mass amounts of blank space, well, here ya go:

EXTENDED METAPHOR THAT CLEVERLY PRESENTS FILM ANALYSIS TECHNIQUES:

Pretend the film is a charismatic politician and delve deep into his personal life:

• Read about him online first, only so much so that you can backup your hollow arguments with meaningless stats like where he’s from and where he lives, but not so much that you stumble on a dick pick he sent Crystal in December 2010… Translation:
  • Before seeing the movie, lookup the director, see what other movies they have worked on
  • Check out the actors (butts)
  • Watch no more than the first 30 sec. of a trailer #spoileralert
  • If you’re one of those people who reads the plot of the movie before seeing it, well you’re a common douche and cut that shit out
• When you slap a label on him and deem him either Ass or Dumbo, apply the stereotypes effectively
• • Figure out the genre
  • Think about the best movies of that genre and what made those movies great (i.e. a thing that makes The Shining so GD amazing is the creepy, discomforting music)
  • Determine whether or not the films’ decision to use/not use similar generic conventions is good or bad for the whole shebang
• Go follow every one of his FB fan/hate groups, and his family members’ twitters. Troll the haters and retweet the guys whose views are aligned with yours (that’ll show em’!)
  • Take note of what makes you think “damn, this is fucking cool” or “I wonder how they did that”
  • Also think about all the times you became so bored that you could almost hear the *click* sound of your pocket robot unleashing its vane glory all over your fingertips, and your crave for public approval becomes almost too much…
    • WARNING: If this happens often, chuck your iPhone into a body of water (ya filthy Screen Zombie) and go live in a yurt for a week or some other hippy shit
  • But if you find your technology addiction mildly tugging at your thoughts a few times during the movie, think about what made the movie snooze-worthy at those points and how it affected your opinion of it
• Form an opinion (that could change at literally any moment because we’re a bunch of fickle fools) on the politician at hand
  • Figure out what the theme is… yep, just like you did in Ms. Woods’ Honors English Lit
• Once you feel like you are one of the fam (you know his sons’ favorite meme, you suspect the wife is having an affair with her female tennis coach, and you can tell whether or not he’s taken his meds this morning by the first two tweets he twits), be the nosy nelly that your internet stalker alter-ego wants you to be.
  • Once you’ve got a solid grasp on what you think the film is trying to tell you/warn you about/comment on/plant in your brain… you interrogate the shit out of the movie
    • Please imagine a mustachio’d Boston cop living in your brain saying the following: “So Mr. Hitchcock, I see that your film Vertigo has a limited use of female perspective shots… Suspicious… in a movie that consists of almost only perspective shots… Now tell me, was this merely a harmless commentary on gender roles in the entertainment of lust, or are you just one twisted, bigoted sonofabitch?!”
  • After you’ve sucked the film dry of any potential symbolism, you’ll be left with a well informed opinion about the commentaries made by said film.
    • Hint: the good ones usually contain utterly dismal outlooks on reality
  • And BAM! Just like that, you’re an overly analytical film douche! Congratulations